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On Muslim Men & the ‘Boys Will Be Boys’ Mentality

On Muslim Men & the ‘Boys Will Be Boys’ Mentality

boys will be boys

I don’t like to be the bearer of burden. And, I’ll probably receive hella hate for writing this, but I’m about to be a young-looking 30 and as I age, I’m figuring out that I have very little fucks to give.

I’m 100 percent sure that this happens in every religion and culture, since the beginning of time, but because I’m Muslim, I’m going to focus on Muslim men.

Islam is a fair and peaceful religion and way of life. It lays out women’s rights; the ability to own businesses, seek divorce and attain a quality education. It clearly speaks against oppression. To even be a Muslim and oppress is an oxymoron, but time and time again we see these acts in our communities and abroad. It isn’t the religion, people! It’s the individuals obsessed with greed. It’s culture. And, it’s just plain not caring about what the religion says and using it as a form of control. From what I’ve seen mostly of the control and policing of our girls and women. Yeah, kinda like how Europeans used Christianity on African slaves or cults use “belief” to control their followers.

When asked why, the responses ranged from it was “too dangerous” for the girls or plainly, because he was a boy, he could run the streets, and you can’t so just deal with it until you get married.

With that said, let’s talk about the “boys will be boys” mentality that I’ve seen in several Islamic communities.

One of my friends had a brother who wasn’t forced to cook dinner for the family like his sisters were. He did have dishwashing duties, but would often neglect them to hang with his friends. His sister and I were chillin’ one day and her mother called her. My friend told me that she had to go. When I asked why, she said because her mom wanted her to wash dishes.

Another unequal rule that was enforced was girls staying out past Maghrib (sundown). Every Muslim boy could be found playing basketball, walking to the store, or just hanging at a friend’s house while the girls were forbidden to leave the confinements of their home. When asked why, the responses ranged from it was “too dangerous” for the girls or plainly, because he was a boy, he could run the streets, and you can’t so just deal with it until you get married.

I’ve had friends whose brothers were allowed to receive phone calls from girls, have porn under their mattresses, and even date. If a Muslim girl even looked at a boy, it was over for her. She’d be banished to the prison that was her home. For eternity.

Infidelity, adultery is a biggie. Muslims love to skate over that one. Especially if you have a penis. You get a “get out of jail” card immediately. You get 99 excuses plus one. Basically, you didn’t even do it, even if they got you on tape. I’ve heard these responses in regards to Muslim men cheating. “Well, maybe he cheated because she wasn’t satisfying him.” “He only cheated once. What’s the big deal?” “He can have up to four wives anyway?” “You want to divorce him just because he cheated?”

If a Muslim woman cheated, the Day of Judgement would have truly arrived. The woman would literally be pulled out of her home, beaten in the streets, tongue whipped on Facebook, scolded by all and every family member, even cousins she’s never met before, “whore” stamped on her forehead, then divorced and tossed into a deep, dark pit with a hungry lion inside.

And, don’t get me started on old, crusty Muslim men or Muslim fucbois requesting virgins…

But, the Muslim guys totally soared past the important portion of the discussion: we were all Muslim and none of us should have been in the club with drinks in hand and hijabs left in the backseat of cars.

I was in college when I started partying. I ripped my hijab off and put on a little black dress. Inside the club, my friends and I noticed a few Muslim guys we knew from the local mosque with drinks in their hands. I wanted to duck and dodge, but my friends told me that they’d already seen us. I rolled my eyes and followed.

They gave us salaams.

“Why are you guys here?” one of them asked.

I put my hand on my hip. “The same reason you guys are.”

He scoffed. “No hijab?”

“Not tonight.” I grinned.

“Y’all better not be drinking.”

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I pointed to his glass. “Like you?”

Of course, he went back and told the whole community about our indecencies. So, we were deemed “those kind of girls.” They warned the good and holy Muslimahs not to speak or hang around us. But, the Muslim guys totally soared past the important portion of the discussion: we were all Muslim and none of us should have been in the club with drinks in hand and hijabs left in the backseat of cars. But no one, not one person pointed that out that fact as they hyped the story of us being bad Muslims.

Can we please stop this? Stop enabling these boys. You’re creating arrogant, Muslim fucbois who feel entitled to bigotry and sexism. Stop telling them that it’s okay to treat their women as if they are their mothers, that it’s okay to drink liquor but not eat pork, that it’s okay to marry a virgin when you smashed half the team. Stop making Islam look, appear to be one-sided. Stop using Islam to validate your foolishness. That is not ISLAM!

As a Muslim girl, I feel like you have to be everything to everyone at all moments of time. How tiring is that? What kind of life is that to live? You have to be pure to Muslim men, nonthreatening to White people, become Mufti Menk at the mosque. We all can’t be Mufti Menk.

I know that I’m not the only one whose experienced these “boys will be boys” moments in the Muslim community.

I want to hear your stories. Put them in the comments below if you’re tired of the bull!

 

xoxo,

Leah V.

View Comments (44)
  • Yes omg if start it will become never ending. I live in Manchester in a Yemeni community area and if one girl was to sin most of the community would tell their daughters to boycott that girl and have her no reputation ruined and not to receive any marriage proposals within the community because she’s seen labelled as bad. Tbh it’s for best no one wants someone they walk past every now and then that’s so small minded. Girls are limited from doing many things when it’s a different case for boys. I’m just fed up of it all enough is enough though cultured people never change they have so much pride and ego to drop it all. If everyone had a pure intentions and a good heart which is required of a Muslim life would be so much peaceful, loving and kind. Let’s just say we are strong muslim alhamdulliah who won’t let anyone put us down.

    • Lmfao ???????? what about when you are married off so that they can save face because of a rumour one of your parents heard but had no freaking proof of! And when asked what the rumour was, they would turn their face away and say something like “can’t tell you it’s so bad”, but lol I haven’t done nothing to warrant such treatment from you like that. What about the fact that it’s haram to accuse someone who is innocent “to point a finger on a pious woman, with no proof” is forbidden. Especially if you cannot back it up with solid evidence/witnesses you can rely on. What about the forbiddeness of marrying your daughter off because you promised to give your daughter’s hand in marriage, even though your daughter never agreed, or marrying them off for a business deal, to solidify that business deal. And like that author of this article said, what about the men who watches porn and crap, who cheat etc. They get away with crap, heck, they get encouraged! Am not saying to allow girls to do it, am saying boys should be disciplined too! Boys should be made to carry out household tasks, to be taught how to be a pious man, whilst girls are taught to on how to be a pious women. Am saying that girls should not be accused like this,especially if they haven’t done nothing in the first place. Am saying that the men of this century really need to reign in their dick coz by goodness, it’s out of bloody control!! The fact that ‘muslim’ men are now involved in these dipiccablw activities; big sex scandal in U.K. they are taken to court, one is from Old Trafford of Manchester and that creeps the hell out of me! The creeps! Disgusting!

      • Yes it’s very stupid because they just try to mess up innocent girls lives when no one has the right to. Exactly no one has proof to give to a man asking for a hand in marriage of a woman though blindly what the community say. God knows all that’s all I can say and with housechores following Islam it should be equal and fair and both genders yet again girls are mistreated. Yes I know a lot of muslim men in the UK are disgusting knocks me sick ????yet a girl commits adultery she could be honour killed with most families or sent back home

    • Oh lord. Are they serious??? But guess what? Those sames ones going so hard to ostracize that girl are probably the worst behind closed doors… *Sips tea*

  • I think majority of muslim women have experienced this one way or the other and to be honest it is very sad how unequal us women can be treated his is why it is very important we educate ourselves and know our rights in Islam so we have a firm foot to stand on and when situations like this arise we need to ask these judgmental people when we stand infront of Allah will that girl and boy who committed the exact same sin be judged differently? Or does the guy get favoured over the girl because he was able to run the streets? Or do they make up these silly excuses to hide behind their pride and ego? This is a form of manipulation! Using deen as a way to control or instore guilt…Let us not forget Those who judge or oppress others will be told by Allah s.w.a to judge themselves accordingly on the day of judgement so may Allah guide us all to the truth and the right path insha’Allah x

  • Thank you so much for writing this. Everything you’ve pointed out is exactly what I’ve been and continue to go through as an Arab and a Muslim. In 25 years old yet I feel like a 10 year old. It’s always you can’t do this yu can’t do that because you’re a girl, blah blah blah. A girl does not do this, a girl does not do that. I’m sick of it! But whatever my brothers do they get away with it. Why? Because they are men and same old shit, they can do what they like!

  • The hypocrisy is disturbing. Wrong is wrong regardless of gender or religion.
    This idea of marry four is a joke. So many can’t even take care of one decently. Keep it real. I’m not trying to promote negative treatment of anyone female or male. Thank you for trying to turn off the broken record.

  • Truth be told today people are not driven by religion rather just by culture. That us why girls will keep suffering. Culture that has no meaning, infact if muslims nowadays neglect the heedings of Allah and respect and worship culture. But for guys their mentality and selfishness only Allah will punish them and vindicate us

    • You are right. In every way, a woman is still ruled by culture. Let’s start following the actual rules of Islam.

  • Ooooh girl, PREACH! Thank you, for freeing the thoughts in my head in a way I couldn’t. Thank you for laying bare and being vulnerable in a way I haven’t been able to, yet. Thank you for giving zero fucks.

    <3, a like-minded almost-liberated Muslimah

  • Salaam Aleikum, great Points! There is such a deep double standard in our communities, it’s not even funny. It’s present on very subtle levels as well, even in middle school and grade school. In some Islamic schools boys are allowed to terrorize girls, the girls are expected to assume a 2nd class status and this is enforced by the girls and women as well. It’s sick and I’ve never read anything in the Quran or Sunnah that validates this mistreatment of girls. Please keep exploring these issues. Jazakhoum Allahu khairun

  • I am not Muslim. But I’m going to save this link so I can post it on every idiot comment that there’s no Muslims speaking out about the inequalities in Islamic cultures.
    And most western girls will be able to relate to a lot of this. We get told not to drink toi much. Not to wear provocative clothing. Not to flirt. To be home by a certain time. I’m fairly certain most boys don’t get told the same thing.

    • Aww. Thanks for supporting and sharing girl. Yes, we are out here. But mainstream media doesn’t want our voice. The double standard is too real!

  • So relateable. 29 and experienced allll of this and then some. Disappointed in our men more than anything. No explanations needed Allah knows our hearts and our intentions…. We’re dealing with grown boys who are in need of schooling. These high expectations/barely maintaining/ weak on deen brothers need guidance on how to be ideal husbands/ how to be the leader of a Muslim Household. My tolerance is slim to none now unfortunately…. I got stories for days as I’m sure many sisters are in the same situation. Thanks for sharing. I usually don’t post/ voice my opinion. But this topic here..was on point

  • I almost married a Muslim man and almost changed my name. I would have if I was treated better because it is a beautiful religion. I am honest with my family and we have a very close relationship in spite of our imperfections. His Family were all so horrible, backstabbing and judgmental to one another. They were doing worse things to one another than I could imagine ever doing to my loved ones. But because they had their religion they deemed themselves “the superior ones”. I just wish people could focus on themselves rather than worry what other people are thinking of them.

    • Aww so sorry for that experience. But remember its the people and not the religion. Hope you have much better experiences with Islam and Muslims. It’s some cool cats out here. lol.

  • I guess it all depends upon the Muslim community and family you were raised in. While there is a lot of pressure put on Muslim girls I see a lot of the same pressure put on boys in my community. Boys are shamed for being indecent and disowned by their families, especially if they have unmarried sisters who their actions could ruin their sisters’ marriage prospects. Muslim boys are demonized as being naughty since birth – which isn’t fair either.

    Also, many Muslim boys in my community are expected to work full-time starting in high school while Muslim girls are not. Muslim boys in our community must also hold up to a very unreasonable marriage expectation set by local culture – basically having to buy their wife. What I mean is, before marriage he has to buy an apartment – all the furnishings – and lavish the girl well beyond his means in order for the marriage to move forward. Basically buying her family’s approval. It doesn’t matter if he is a good Muslim anymore – he has to be rich – and that’s what makes a good husband. Many boys just don’t have the income to do so and become deeply in debt just to marry.

    Furthermore, in our community girls and boys go out after maghrib and stay out very late. Girls usually go out in groups and so do boys – not together.

    As others have mentioned, this has a lot to do with culture but also to do with the families raising these children. Not so much to do with religion. I think it is unfair to only look at it from a one sided view. There are a lot of pressures put on Muslim boys girls will just never understand if we don’t stop to look at it from beyond our own viewpoints.

  • It is shambolic. It’s a combination of their mothers treating this behaviour as normal, and of course the imams preaching the double standard. There needs to be less reverence for phallocratic imams.

    • Hello you might remember me from mvslim I really love our ‘debate’ that we had about hijab and feminism.
      From Isra ❤️

  • thank you so much for this finally someone who sid whats in my mind all the time finally some one who said what i always whatn to screm out it felt so good reading this.
    My uncle likes to say im a man but please at the last day when you stand infront of allah and he ask you why you didnt pray and why you smoke is he going to say im a man???
    sorry if i made any mistakes im from germany (living in algeria) and 14 years old

  • This shit is soooo true I can almost relate to them 100% normally if a girl does this shit she will be forever blamed and it would scar her life… I don’t really understand the whole concept of the ‘Muslim’ guy double standards going around doing whatever they want heck they are even encouraged! I am not saying for girls to do the same thing but what I am saying is that guys should be disciplined to! I feel like there is a more tighter restriction on girls than guys due to the cultural belief this has to stop! We need a more Islamic upbringing that treat both genders equally not this whole cultural mess that the kids have magically inherited from their parents adopting the same double standards as a Muslim feminist this annoys me a lot it’s one of the topics that really bugs me as it is absolutely relatable for me I myself have experienced some sort of sexism and it really frustrates me to the core!
    Sorry for the rant just had to get it out there xxx

  • This shit is sooooo true! It’s almost 100% relatable if a girl does this shit then that’s her whole life scared and ruined but if the guy does it well it’s a whole different story I am not saying that girls should do the same thing what I am saying is that guys should be disciplined to! Lucky for me I come from an independent family where it’s mainly female orianted so I never experienced an of that but I have experienced sexism as a Muslim feminist it bugs me to the core! Don’t even get me started of fucked ‘Muslim’ guys requesting pious Muslimah when they’ve done what ever they want this all stems from culture that they have magically inherited from their parents this should be STOPPED! It starts in home we should be raising kids islamicaly treating both genders equally – sad reality

  • This is so true. In Nigeria, simply because she is a girl, my sister’s athletic abilities are frowned on. We are muslims not objects!!!!

  • We are not asking to be allowed to sin but to just be treated the same as boys, no hypocrisy. Boys should be damned and have their reputation excessively ruined for smoking or going out at night; or then girls should be seen as equal and be allowed to choose what to do in life freely making mistakes like boys do, without a heavy stigma attached to it.

  • and it really annoys me how boys who smoke want a girl who hasnt even tried it, or how guys expect a virgin wife when they’ve been taking girls virginitys before.its disgusting. if youre not an angel don’t expect a angelic wife because its very unfair for a innocent wife to know that their husband has seen many other girls bodies before, its a two way street

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