I Don’t Love My Husband and I’m Okay With That

  • rays

    would like to get husband’s perspective. the world isn’t always about her

    • Alex Meyer

      Dude the site is called muslim girl, go literally anywhere else on the internet

  • outer_rl

    Three years isn’t all that long. When you’ve been married 25 years, then you can speak with the wisdom of experience. And you’ll still only be 45.

    • Lindum

      Bad advice of the month. Well done. After 25 years and six kids she can then think – hmmm – I was right I did make a wrong decision. Good job I can now still rectify it.

      • outer_rl

        I disagree, marriage means commitment. Divorce is a bad idea unless your spouse is trying to murder you.

        • Lindum

          Not within Islam. Neither party is expected to put up with a poor partner. Commitment is excellent when there is a basis of love. That had never existed in this case. Three years down the road they will both have found better spouses. To stick to a sinking ship, in which neither party is going to be happy is foolish.
          She has learnt the hard way “Marrying for money is the hardest money you’ll ever earn.”

          • outer_rl

            It’s natural law that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Islam recognises natural law. Just because divorce is allowed, doesn’t mean it isn’t breaking a promise. It just means for practical reasons you are allowed to break the promise.

          • Lindum

            If marriage is a “natural law”, ymthen why is it not ubiquitous?

          • outer_rl

            Why do you think that it isn’t?

          • Lindum

            Because it isn’t. Pigmy society for example don’t have an institution of marriage. Nor do many tribes of PNG.

            Islam itself accepts that a marriage can be for as little as 30 minutes.

            The Prophet was quite happy to take women captured in battle. Indeed, only one of his companions didn’t have sex slaves.

          • outer_rl

            Those stories about the Prophet and his companions are largely unreliable and made up. The imams, who say that that a 30 minute sex contract is marriage, are not doing justice to the Islamic principles of natural law. Note also that even by those messy hadiths, the Prophet never divorced any of his wives.

            In terms of Pigmy and Papua New Guinea tribes, the interpretation of their behaviour by anthropologists may not properly represent the reality of normal life in those communities. And even if it does, all that means is that their cultures are out of line with how God intended human beings to live. The fact that cultures that normalised traditional, life long marriage have prospered and dominate the world today, whilst the Pigmy and Papua New Guinea peoples have not and do not, shows that traditional marriage is the most functional institution that resonates with underlying human nature.

          • Striving Akh

            May I ask, under which scholars have you studied under and what is your prestigious academic background in the usool ad-deen? What level is your mastery of Arabic? Are you qualified in the science of uloom al-Hadith?
            Anything that you feel uncomfortable with is simply deemed ‘unreliable’ and from ‘messy hadiths’ lol. Is this how fragile ones imaan is? Disregarding 1500 years of illustrious scholarship of this religion, just to fit in to a liberal agenda epitomises this site, with all due respect. I only came to advise you sincerely. Seek knowledge of the religion and stop trying to fit in to the secular liberal ideology….follow the Sunnah.

          • outer_rl

            Which Sunnah? There are as many opinions as there are Imams.

            I’ve no wish to follow secular liberal ideology, but 1500 years of illustrious scholarship didn’t exactly leave Muslim societies in a thriving state. Better to be reasonable, rational, and to think critically.

  • kami

    This is the most important line in this piece ” I don’t know who I was crying for. It could have been for him because he didn’t deserve to not be loved.” You made a stupid decision but mostly I feel bad for your husband. Who said you have to stay in this marriage forever? You’ve only been married for 3 years which is a very short time in the bigger picture. You’re probably only 23-24 and have your whole life ahead of you. Furthermore, he deserves a wife who will love him and be in love with him. I got married at 22 and I thought I loved my ex husband so our stories are different. Still, our marriage didn’t work out. I got divorced 2 years later despite protests from family and elders. I am now married to the love of my life and consider my divorce to be one of the best decisions I have made. You made a mistake, don’t drag it out. Don’t be like our parents’ generation who stayed for decades and spent their whole lives suffering with the wrong person, simply because they didn’t have the courage to leave in the beginning.

  • Adie

    Walk out girl, you are still very young, neither of you deserve a loveless marriage.

  • Zaynab

    I’m sad to hear you rushed into a decision to marry when its not what you wanted. However I don’t think you should get complacent with the idea that you can never love your husband. A good, happy marriage is one you create and requires work from both husband and wife. I think a lot of what we’re told about love being just about euphoric feelings which will propel and sustain a marriage are inaccurate and misleading. I just finished reading this book called ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Dr Gary Chapman which you might find useful to help improve your marriage. It says that the “in-love” experience on average lasts 2 years after which couples start to return to reality and suddenly find they no longer feel the same way about their significant other. Its about learning how each of us feels loved and offers practical help on what you can do to consciously be loving towards your spouse. I hope it helps and pray inshallah that you can work to create a very happy, loving marriage that you both deserve!

    • Lindum

      The in love phase lasts two years. In this case it lasted zero hours. So what is the point of your comments?

  • Aneesa

    Get out now. You both deserve more my dear girl.

  • http://nadialabonita.tumblr.com/ Nadia

    This was so sad. My heart goes to you.

  • Kahn Tata

    “…. maybe love isn’t what I’m meant to get out of this relationship, that there are more valuable lessons to take away from our time together”

    Perfectly concluded.
    Contrary to popular belief, love aint the name of the game !!!

  • Reflecting Pool

    Don’t let yourself feel stuck and you’ll never find yourself stuck with anything again. It’s not too late to leave and try again for the right reasons

  • Dana

    I was married two weeks after I met my husband. At first I know I didn’t love him, how could I? It was scary and awful and my mother in law turned against me. I almost ran away but he got down on his knees and gave me a gun and asked me to shoot him. It was manipulative, yes, but it also was a strong move of passion that I was missing. Things changed after that and we have lots of love making and hate being apart. The beggining is never easy in these kinds of arrangements, but love isn’t something spelled out by destiny. It is something you create and build over time.

  • Lindum

    If a sexual relationship of a couple of years hasn’t helped you love the guy – nothing will.
    Think of the smell of the guy – how do you feel? Smell is our primordial sense – if you don’t have a good feeling about his odour – you are looking forward to years of bitterness and resentment.

  • C

    Kinda surprise at the comments on this post.
    “walk out girl” ?
    “love less marriage” ?
    There was once a man who came to Umar r.a and said the same thing that “I don’t love my wife.” ..he wanted to divorce her because he didn’t love her.
    Guess what Umer r.a ‘s reply was?
    “Must every house be built upon love? What about loyalty and appreciation?”

  • Girl20

    My situation is very similar and infact exactly the same. The only thing is it’s been 18 years now and I could not love him

  • Mia Zaman

    You are living with this man, and you cannot give him a 100%, and because of that, you are being unfair to yourself, and to him. If you can’t love him, you are depriving yourself and him of feelings that people in marriages should feel.
    The relationship you are building is based on ease (which is now so hard for you), and like the comments I’ve read below, you are now learning that “Marrying for money is the hardest money you’ll ever earn.”
    You may be stable financially, your families may get along, and you may be doing all of your duties, but if you are truly unhappy, then, only you can make yourself happy.
    If you haven’t fallen in love with him by now, then there may be chance you will never be able to love him, he will be a housemate, a room mate, or whatever, and that is unfair to him, because he probably doesn’t even know.
    There will be children, and memories, and things you’ll want to do with someone you love, and you will feel inadequate.
    Don’t do this to yourself, there are enough people in the world living in marriages that suffocate them, no one has to cry to sleep, and you certainly shouldn’t have to.