Image via FunnyorDie

White People Finally Columbus Themselves

To “Columbus” something is the act of discovering something that most people already knew existed and claiming it as brand new. Much like Christopher Columbus, who was the first person to really make “Columbusing” a worldwide phenomenon (and people say he never did anything right).

Well, it turns out white people have finally discovered a fact about themselves that is possibly the oldest news since the invention of the wheel.

White Americans are the biggest terror threat in the United States, according to a study by the New America Foundation. The Washington-based research organization did a review of “terror” attacks on US soil since Sept. 11, 2001 and found that most of them were carried out by radical anti-government groups or white supremacists.

That’s right my friends, the image of the lone, bearded suicide bomber as the sole threat to American lives is no longer accurate. Instead, modern day terrorists look like this:

Image via PBS
Dylann Roof, Charleston shooter. Image via PBS

And this,

Image via The Wire
James Eagan Holmes, Aurora theater shooter. Image via The Wire

Or even this,

John O. Brennan, Director of the CIA. Image via HuffPost
John O. Brennan, Director of the CIA. Image via HuffPost

Given this new truth pie we’ve all been served, what kind of changes can we expect in the realm of racial profiling and media portrayal? Absolutely none! Despite the fact that we are all now on the same page of who the real terrorists are on American soil the blame will still fall to the feet of minority communities. News reports will still be inundated with fictitious numbers about black on black crimes. Donald Trump will still conduct his war on the Latino community and anyone that looks remotely Muslim will still have a hard time getting their desired beverage on a plane.

This isn’t just me being pessimistic. This is, as the kids call it today, “staying woke”. The current generation of millennials is not going to live long enough to see the day where minorities are not otherized. Even if we voted a million officials of color into power we still face the trial of institutionalized racism, which according to Bill O’Reilly does not actually exist. Now that I think about it, you guys ever notice how Bill is always shouting at his guests? Almost in such a way as to instill TERROR into them? Darn, what’s the word for a person that uses fear and terror tactics to push a political or social agenda? It’s on the tip of my tongue…

Here’s a big piece of food for thought I want to put on your mental plate. The confederate flag has been a symbol of terrorism for people of color since the fall of the Confederacy. It beckons memories of lynch mobs, slavery, white supremacy, and extreme violence during the Civil Rights Movement. If this flag is all of those things, why are we only now considering it a problem after even more people have been killed under its colors? The history of the flag is not brand new information! We already knew and it was swaying there the whole time as if it’s a completely chill thing.

The only logical explanation for this change in the country’s attitude is that creeping sharia is finally starting to creep a little faster. I mean, ensuring that there’s a new group in the terrorism box? Sounds like some excellent creeping sharia to me. Keep up the good work everyone.