As we celebrate Valentine’s Day, or at the very least, recognize others who may be celebrating today, you may be wondering about your own love life. Maybe you are interested in someone or talking to someone in hopes of a future with them. Before you move too fast, there are a lot of steps to take before you get married. For example, you may want to consider how your faith intersects with your partner’s. There are literally so many things to consider when finding the right match. After all, you want that perfect love story, right?
But it’s also important to remember there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship or marriage – and there shouldn’t be. All relationships require work and commitment on both sides in order for them to thrive. The following pre-martial checklist will help guide you through the process of finding someone who shares similar values when it comes to marriage, family life, and more.
First impressions are important, but they don’t always tell the whole story. You want to make sure that you’re with someone who has everything together and is ready for marriage. So when you meet him, look for signs of immaturity, selfishness, as well as a lack of respect for others because these can be red flags for a difficult relationship ahead.
Often times, a first meeting can make it or break it. Trust your gut. If your initial meeting makes you feel uneasy, chances are he is not the one.
Choosing a partner who shares your values is an important step in finding happiness and peace. You want to be able to trust each other, communicate openly, and compromise when necessary.
You should also share similar lifestyles and expectations for the future. For example, if one of you wants children but the other does not, this could cause problems down the road. If both of you want children but don’t have jobs that pay well enough to support them on their own, or if neither of you has a job, that could cause problems too.
Have an imam involved
Having an imam involved in the process of choosing a partner is crucial. An imam can help you find a good match and keep your relationship on the right track, as well as ensure that all legal issues are taken care of before you get married. He will also be able to provide counseling to both parties if necessary.
The bottom line: Don’t rush into marriage without thinking about it first.
The devout Muslim
If it is important to you, the first thing you should do is see if he’s a devout Muslim. Look at his character and how he lives his life. Does he pray regularly? Does he fast? Is he committed to the Qur’an and Sunnah?
You may be surprised that not all Muslims are as religious as you think they should be, especially during Ramadan or other religious holidays. Many Muslims simply don’t make time for their faith outside of Friday prayers because of busy schedules or other commitments, but this doesn’t mean they aren’t practicing their religion at all – and it certainly doesn’t mean they’ll make good partners. If a man hasn’t been able to practice Islam fully yet, it doesn’t mean he won’t in the future; just keep an eye out for signs that indicate his devotion has the potential to grow based on his character and actions.
Pay Attention to his vices
- Prayer is an important part of our lives and it should be for everyone. It has been prescribed as a means of worship and a way to connect with Allah (SWT.) Pay attention – does he pray?
- Honesty is also an important quality that you should look for in your future spouse. He/she should be someone who tells the truth and does not lie or cheat others. Pay attention to inconsistencies in his stories he shares with you.
- Drinking alcohol or gambling are haram (forbidden) acts which should be avoided at all times by Muslims because they go against Islamic principles and teachings. Make sure your potential partner doesn’t indulge in these activities either before marriage or after marriage.
This is a big one. You and your partner need to be on the same page about how many kids you want, how you’ll raise them, and whether or not you want help with parenting. For example:
- How many kids are we having? The answer depends on where you both are in life at the time of marriage (and whether or not there are any fertility issues.) If either partner doesn’t want children or if one wants 10 while another only wants two, then this could be an issue later on down the line when it comes time for kids.
- How will they be raised? Will both parents be involved equally? Do they have rules around screen time and bedtime? Are there religious restrictions that might affect childrearing? Do both parents agree with each other about these issues? If not…this may be a red flag.
Now, let’s get down to business. In Islam, financial responsibility in a marriage is upon a man. So make sure you discuss the right questions with your potential spouse when it comes to financial stability. After all, if your new husband isn’t working and doesn’t have any savings or credit score (or has a large student loan debt,) then you’re going to be stuck supporting him for a while as he gets his life together – and that could put a huge strain on your finances and your relationship. So let’s take a closer look at some questions that will help ensure financial stability before marriage:
- Does he have steady employment? How long has he been with his current employment?
- What kind of salary does he make? How much money does he make annually or monthly?
- How much money does he spend each month on rent/mortgage payments? Utilities? Groceries and other household expenses such as toilet paper, or shampoo, detergent, (you know, stuff we all need at home that magically appear when our parents bring it home.)
- Does he have a retirement plan?
- How much does he save, and how often does he do it?
- Does he keep track of his spending habits and make sure they’re in line with his budget goals?
- Is there anything about the way your fiancé handles money that concerns or worries you?
Money isn’t everything
And to put a spin on the above list, consider the following:
- Do not marry for money or status. This is one of the biggest reasons why people get married, but it’s also one of the most disastrous mistakes you could make. If your goal is to find someone who can take care of you financially and give you a comfortable life, then it may be time to reevaluate your priorities.
- Don’t marry someone who isn’t compatible with you. This includes everything from personality traits (i.e., he’s an introvert and you’re an extrovert) to hobbies and interests (i.e., he’d rather stay home and read while you’d rather go out to a coffee shop with other couples to socialize.) Compatibility matters in every aspect of life, so don’t overlook it when considering marriage either.
- Don’t marry someone who isn’t religious enough for YOU. You need someone who understands what being religious means to you. If they don’t share those same values then this person isn’t worth marrying since he won’t help guide you along your spiritual journey toward Allah (SWT.)
Sense of humor
This is an important one. When you’re married, you will have to deal with each other in all kinds of situations – good and bad. You need to be able to laugh with each other when the going gets tough and make fun of yourself when it’s appropriate. You can’t take yourself too seriously because that just makes life harder than it needs to be.
A sense of humor is also important because it helps keep things lighthearted when there are stressful moments in your relationship or when something goes wrong (and trust me – something will.) It also helps if both parties are able and willing to laugh at their own foibles and mistakes. Otherwise, someone could end up getting very defensive about something silly that happened earlier on in their lives (like having braces as a teenager.)
As a Muslim woman, you should be aware that effective communication is important in maintaining a healthy relationship. It’s also something to consider before marriage because it will affect how well you can communicate with your future spouse.
Here are some tips for evaluating someone’s communication skills:
- Are they able to listen? Listeners are people who actively hear what others have said and take their words into consideration when responding. They ask questions if there’s something unclear, which shows that they’re thinking about the conversation rather than just waiting for their turn to talk again (or scrolling through Instagram.)
- How much time do they spend on social media? If someone spends hours every day scrolling through their Instagram feed or Twitter feed instead of talking face-to-face with friends and family members, or even just one person, it could mean that they have trouble expressing themselves verbally. This could also indicate an issue with empathy if he doesn’t seem interested in understanding what others think about certain issues when presented with them via social media posts (like this article.)
- Does he make eye contact while talking? Eye contact is important because it shows respect towards the person being spoken with; however, some people aren’t comfortable making eye contact because they feel like doing so would make them appear aggressive or intimidating toward others around them.
- Be honest with yourself. You can’t expect someone else to be your partner for life if you don’t know what you want in a partner. It’s important to know what your expectations are, and how they align with the person you’re considering in marriage.
- Be honest with your partner. If something is bothering you or making them feel uncomfortable, let them know so that they can work on changing their behavior.
- Be honest with the person you are dating: Don’t keep secrets from one another. The more open you both are about everything, including finances and religion, the better off everyone will be in the long run.
Treatment of family
The way you treat others is often a reflection of your character. As you’re getting to know someone, ask yourself how they behave around their family and friends. Do they show kindness and respect? Are they generous with their time and money, or do they seem to only care about themselves? If someone can’t be bothered to be kinder than necessary or respectful toward others, that’s a red flag. A person who lacks compassion will likely be unkind when it comes time for marriage so make sure you look out for that.
Some important questions to consider when evaluating if he treats his family well are:
- Does he keep in touch with his parents?
- Does he have a healthy relationship with his siblings?
- Is there any disrespect or neglect between family members?
Importance in life
The next step is to ask your partner what’s important to him in life. How does he spend his time? What does he do for fun? What are his hobbies? Asking about his favorite music, movies, books, and sports are also good questions to have in mind.
You need to know what you can live without. In other words, don’t marry someone who will make you unhappy or compromise your values. If there is something that means a lot to you and it’s not going to happen in your marriage, then move on. You should not settle for less than what Allah (SWT) has destined for us as Muslims because He knows best.
Don’t forget: the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said, “The best among you is the one who treats his family with the best behavior.”
open mind and heart
The first step to being truly ready for marriage is to enter the relationship with an open mind and heart. This means being willing to accept change, learning new things about yourself and others, loving more deeply than you’ve ever loved before (or perhaps even thought possible), and being open to life’s surprises. It also means being willing to love Allah (SWT) more deeply than ever before because loving Him means following His commands in all areas of life including relationships!
Let me ask: How much do you know about your partner-to-be? Do their values match yours? Do they have similar goals for their future? Have they been honest about any past relationships or struggles? Are there other things that might come up later on down the road that could cause problems in this marriage (for example: not wanting children)? If so, now is the time to discuss these things openly so that both parties feel comfortable entering into marriage feeling secure with each other’s feelings towards certain issues.
Check your standards
Never lower your standards for a man.
You should never lower your standards for a man. You are worthy of the best, and if you don’t have high standards, then you will always be disappointed. A woman who chooses to accept less than she deserves will never be happy in her marriage because there will always be something missing from it – the spark that makes it feel like home rather than just another obligation on her plate as part of being married.
Assess his character
One of the most important things to do before getting married is to assess the character of any potential spouse or suitor. We all want someone who will be a good partner, but we also need to make sure that they’re mature enough for marriage and ready for parenthood. Here are some signs to look for:
- If a person is immature, it can be hard for them to take responsibility for their actions, especially if those actions involve another person (like you). An immature person may try to blame others when things go wrong. This kind of behavior should raise red flags in your mind about whether this person would make an appropriate partner in life.
- Similarly, selfishness can be detrimental not only in relationships but also when raising children together as a couple; selfishness leads people away from considering other people’s needs and desires because their own needs come first every time.
- Be sure that he has the right personality traits before you commit to him. You don’t want to be married to someone who is selfish or immature, so make sure you know his character well enough before saying “I do.”
A healthy relationship
A healthy relationship is founded upon respect, communication, love, and trust.
Respect is the foundation of any relationship and if you don’t have that, then you don’t have anything. Communication is also very important in a relationship because if you can’t communicate with each other then how can both parties understand each other? Love is another thing which should be there in every marriage – but trust should be more than love as trust is what keeps everything together. Without trust no one can survive in this world or even relationships.
So there you have it. The pre-marital checklist for Muslim women! We hope that this guide has given you some insight into what it takes to find a spouse who will make your marriage happy and successful. It’s important to remember that there are no shortcuts when it comes to finding love, so be patient as you go through this process. If someone doesn’t meet all of these criteria or doesn’t seem like a good fit for you, just remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea (or rather mosques across town.)