They lurk among you. They live in your neighborhoods. They attend your masajid. You might be sitting next to one RIGHT NOW.
What are they? They’re “Wallah Bros:” AKA the “Haraam Police,” AKA those dudes who have to say “Wallah” after every sentence. Wallah.
You’re in luck. While you could spend the rest of your life not being able to spot a Wallah Bro until it is too late, MuslimGirl has decided to step in and provide you with a short meme guide to recognizing the Wallah Bro.
EVERYTHING IS HARAM. Wallah!
Anything you do, ANYTHING, is subject to scrutiny by the oh-so-scrupulous Wallah Bro. A true Wallah Bro will correct anyone and everyone, even Masjid Aunties, on anything and everything. Frequent topics of Wallah Bro criticism: your nail polish, your hijab, your pants, your shoes, your sleeve length, your eyebrows, your kohl, your laughter, your conversations. Hmmmm….Seems like Wallah Bros really like policing women’s bodies….
2. Everything is Haram…except for when the Wallah Bro does it.
Wallah bros are enthusiastic about two things: their hatred of your wrongdoings (astaghfirallah!) and their indulgence in the haram themselves. Now while everyone takes different paths, has different levels of practice, has varying levels of Iman and worship, the Wallah Bro makes an absolute career out of decrying your sins while partying his way to Jannah.
3. They always want YOU to say Wallah.
ALWAYS. Because they won’t believe anything you say or do unless you put the “Wallah” on it. Why? Because if you don’t say “Wallah,” you might be lying. Wallah Bros of course think this because they don’t always have the best track record for honesty themselves, and act as though you saying “Wallah” is a totally foolproof way to keep you from lying. Like you might burst into flames if you say “Wallah” after a fib. Nice try, Wallah Bros, nice try.
4. They’re lying to you. All. The. Time.
If you ever hear something like “Wallah, I was doing homework,” or “Wallah, I don’t know who she is,” or “Wallah, that’s not my porn,” he’s lying. Shame on you, Wallah Bro. Some Wallah Bros are ingenious with their lying, changing names and numbers in their phone from “My 1aNdOnLyBaE” to “Ummi.” Other Wallah Bros might think they’re slick, but they’re basically trying to pee on you and tell you they’re helping you make wud’u.
Not buying it bro. Wallah.
5. Wallah Bros will pull you in, with the fleek guybrows, and push you away with their “respect for women.”
While a Wallah Bro is content to comment on your threading job, your nail polish, your face being too pretty (“You should wear niqab, sister, Wallah, you’re making fitnah for me.”) they are themselves generally impeccably groomed and dressed to the freaking nines, and some Wallah Bros have that “subhanallah handsome” where you have to get your one look and lower your gaze (because that second look is from shaytan, sister!).
While you think you may have hit the jackpot with your Arab Enrique Iglesias or your Desi Channing Tatum, you need to pump the breaks and make sure you didn’t snag a guy who’s too good to be true. (Hint hint, if he’s a handsome hafiz, do a little digging and make sure you didn’t get a cat-calling Khalid).
There’s nothing better than a man who practices taqwa, but make sure he’s a feminist Faisal and not a mansplaining Mustafa.