This Muslim Polygamy Site Wants To Hook You Up With Your Second Wife

Ladies, do you ever feel lonely? Are you looking for that special someone in your life? Do you have a credit card and harmfully low self esteem? Most importantly, are you a caricature of a subjugated Muslim woman?

If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, then what I’m about to share with you might be the best thing you’ve read all day. Unless you’ve read the menu at Domino’s, because that thing is unbeatable. Have you read the description of those chocolate lava cakes? Hello, Pulitzer!

If you’re looking for a mate who’s already got a mate, allow me to introduce you to

Second Wife, the place where all your dreams of mediocrity can come true.

It is an online nikah service helping Muslims get married to other Muslims that are already married. This isn’t even a joke, this is real.

The website is largely inaccessible without an account, which has to be paid for via monthly subscription. But through various links made available on the home page, you can find out quite a lot about the wonderful services.

First off, Second Wife is not a site in which one can acquire a legal marriage. All of the “brothers” on the site are searching for their “second, third, or fourth nikah,” and there can be no signing of marriage licenses between parties. The union is only recognized under Sharia law.

So, am I covered by my husband’s healthcare or what? Is that only a first wife privilege? What if she never gets sick?!

Questions. Those things can be answered without having an account also. The F.A.Q. section of the site reads like Bill Maher’s wet dream. Here are some gems:

  • Is it okay to take wives that you cannot financially support?
  • Is he sinning if he keeps one of his wives, but sends the other to his homeland?
  • Should he allocate time to a wife that is menstruating?

My personal favorite was this one on page two:

  • Does he have to tell his second wife that he is married?

How is that even a valid question? Does your wife have to know that you have another wife? This is not the twisted plot of an HBO series — this is real life. Of course, all the wives have to know about each other.

Or maybe we can all agree to this really insane concept of having one consenting wife at a time. I know that seems outlandish, but stick with me for a second. Imagine a scenario in which two people get married and then that’s the end of the story. It’s just them. Forever. Maybe a pet and some kids.

But no, instead we have services like making money off of extramarital marriages. The site was featured in GQ Magazine because every classy GQ man needs to have at least two wives to iron all the Brooks Brothers suits hanging in his custom-built mahogany glass panel closets.

The core of the issue here is not the practice of polygamy. In some countries it’s completely legal and other religious sects practice it to this day with little issue. The problem is that polygamous relationships are not a source for profit. And to create such a site that is specifically targeted to Muslims and mentions Sharia Law is asking people in the West to continue to hate Muslims. Why not just create a gold-plated invitation to say we’re a backward religion?

So whether you’re a woman looking to be a full-time side chick or a man looking to stick your enormous and high functioning penis into the maximum amount of vaginas while feeling the minimum amount of guilt, give a chance. Or, you know, don’t.

Image: — we’re not gonna give you a link to that…