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Q: “Dear MG, I kissed a guy and it was my first time. I feel so guilty and gross. I know I could have done worse but I’ve been raised to never even be alone in a room with a man and I’m not really sure how this happened. I don’t know what to do now. I want to keep seeing him, but I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret. How do I keep it as halal as possible?”
A: “I hope I stay anonymous. I believe this happens way more than anyone would like to admit it does. I totally understand the guilt and the feelings that come with all of it. Personally, I believe the best way to make sure it won’t happen again is by setting boundaries, not just for the person with you, but for yourself especially. It can become extremely destructive once you realize you don’t have boundaries and will start doing things you’ll later wish you hadn’t. Don’t be so hard on yourself, because at the end of the day, you’re only human. You got this! And to all the other women and girls who might be the in the same situation, you’re human, and that’s okay.”
– Anonymous.
First and foremost, you are a human being. I think we need to remind ourselves that humans have desires and free will, no matter how you were raised.
A: “Tell him how you feel, and that you would love to keep talking to him and getting to know him in a halal way. Maybe introduce him to your parents and other friends? But that depends on your family. If he truly cares about you, and is interested in you (in a halal way) then he will take it slow and take your needs and beliefs into consideration. If not, then he is not worth your time :)”
– Anonymous.
A: “First and foremost, you are a human being. I think we need to remind ourselves that humans have desires and free will, no matter how you were raised. If you are a heterosexual young woman, it’s completely natural to want to engage in sexual activity with the opposite sex. I can only speak to you as a fellow sister, who also struggles with my own desires: you have to ask yourself, do I really like this guy, or do I simply want to satisfy my sexual desires? Do I see a potential future with him? If you don’t, that’s fine, but it would be purely naive to think you can be platonic friends after this incident. If you choose to have casual sex with this young man, then I advise you to get on the Pill, and educate yourself on birth control and STD prevention through the Planned Parenthood website [Actually get on the pill, nikkah or not]. You’re still a Muslim, either way.”
– Suad Patton-Bey, Age 23, Mississippi.
A: “If you really want to continue this, talk to your family about marriage. You can get engaged, and probably wait for later, for marriage. However, you will have to repent for the sin of kissing! May Allah accept your istighfar and grant you whatever is best for you in this world and the hereafter.”
– Shajia, Age 20, India.
A: “In all honesty, the best way to keep it halal is to try avoiding contact with him. But Allah has made human attraction a natural thing, and if you really want to keep seeing him, maybe avoid seeing him physically. In that case, FaceTime and text would be the best way to communicate and maintain a friendship with him until “those” feelings go away, or reduce. If you feel like those feelings are only being intensified, then the only way to keep it halal would be marriage (depending on how old you are), but that’s a whole other situation. If marriage isn’t an option and those feelings are still there, then breaking off the friendship and just being acquaintances is probably best. Good luck, and remember that Allah is the All Merciful and Forgiving.”
– Sa_Lam, Age 16, Michigan.
A: “Salam sister. Tell your parents about this guy as soon as possible (you can leave out the kissing part for now if you are afraid of harsh reactions). Warn him to tell his parents as well, and that both families can meet and acknowledge that you are getting to know each other. Any guy who likes you and is serious, will be ready to talk to your parents. If he refuses, then there is no point in meeting him/dating him as it may lead to haram. Also, this might indicate that he may not even be sure about his feelings towards you. Always look at words & actions; they go hand-in-hand. When one is missing, rest assured that there’s something weird going on, and you might end up getting hurt. May Allah guide you, and protect you always.”
– Anonymous.
Many girls have been in this situation, and the fact that you’re feeling guilty does show that you never had any bad intentions with your actions.
A: “One thing I must say is that if a guy really likes you, he will respect you like the queen you are. He will agree with your decision to not kiss, touch, hug, or whatever else you’re comfortable with doing, or not doing. I think as women, we’re taught to compromise our values to get guys. But I have learned that those who weren’t willing to respect me and my values were the ones who weren’t worth my time. And I thank God for taking those guys out of my life. In regards to keeping it “halal,” I would say try to spend less time alone. Hang out with your friends more, and if you need alone time, you can always have that time in a public place like a park, or restaurant. You can also just hold hands, or hug (if you’re comfortable with that.) Best of luck. Just remember to NEVER compromise your values for any guy.”
– Alexis Solares, Age 23, California.
A: “First of all, I know it’s hard not to, but don’t feel too guilty. Many girls have been in this situation, and the fact that you’re feeling guilty does show that you never had any bad intentions with your actions. You did it as an act of love. Share your anxieties with your partner, tell him where you stand, and where you would like this relationship to lead. If you both have the same goal in mind (marriage at some point), then I think it’s fine if you do keep seeing him. But again, make sure you set some rules on what you’re comfortable doing in this relationship.”
– Tasneem, Age 23, Dubai.