By Today, hundreds of Indonesian women are forced to have virginity tests done in order to join the police force.
Iraqi women face court ordered virginity tests after allegations from husbands that they are not virgins after the first day of marriage.
Women all across the globe are expected to bleed on their wedding nights as proof that they are pure.
If such a doubt is cast as it is in this day and age, the humiliation and shame that a woman is forced to feel is beyond reproach. Virginity has been a long misunderstood issue, and a source of shame or honor in the Muslim community. No one seems to want to talk about it until marriage age begins to creep up, when it is apparently permitted for a girl to go from not talking or interacting with any men to choosing the one to live with one for the rest of her life. The expectation that is placed upon a woman to remain “chaste” and pure for her husband is beyond that of any other, from her intelligence to her exemplary character. No one wants to talk about the tens of medals and awards a woman has achieved, her college career at an Ivy League, or the fact that she has taught herself how to speak four different languages — but everyone wants to discuss whether or not blood had been spilled on her wedding night.
But, what if there’s no bleeding?
Many fail to realize that not all women bleed after they lose their virginity. The fear, however, is perpetuated by archaic rituals such as showing the blood on the sheets after the wedding night. In itself, this is a social construct put in place to make women feel bad about their sexuality and pass judgement on them. This is especially sensitive at the time of marriage when a woman may be publicly shamed and abused for not remaining a virgin for her wedding night. These disastrous consequences force many women to undergo hymen reattachment surgery in order to save their future honor — mostly for their family’s honor. But even more troubling is the fact that only a woman’s sexual past is publicly scrutinized. Islamically, we are asked to hide the sin of a fellow Muslim, not publicly shame them for it. However, this seems to only be subjected to one sex more than the other.
These disastrous consequences force women to undergo hymen reattachment surgery in order to save their future honor – mostly for their family’s honor.
It may be in some cases that a woman has indeed lost her virginity previous to marriage. But as Muslims, we put our trust and faith in Allah (SWT) and know that the sins we have committed in the past are not a reflection of ourselves. Rather, the realization of the sin and the actions taken toward forgiveness is what determines true character.
The most conservative interpretations of Islam understand premarital sex to be one of the deadliest sins a Muslim can commit, but even then, are we not taught Allah (SWT) is most forgiving? Here is where it becomes interesting, though. It is within the most conservative of communities that one may find the double standard, which is manifested to somehow forgive the man, but continue to shame the woman.
Here’s something to think about: If we are such good people, shouldn’t we be discreet about the acts of others since it is between them and Allah (SWT)? I mean, that is what we are taught.
In an ironic twist of fate, however, we seem to be living in communities that continue to refuse refuse forgiveness for one sex while making amends for another. Even most interesting is the expectancy of forgiveness by Allah (SWT) by those same judgmental individuals who are quick to ask you about your discrepancies.
Forget the fatwas that allow you to ask your spouse about their virginity. In fact, that practice should be discouraged altogether. The truth is that your relationship with your future spouse will be determined by character and values. Again, Islam tells us that we should not confess our sins to anyone but Allah (SWT). We know that we are not to disclose the wrong doings of others, including our own.
“To judge one’s intention is to belittle him; and to belittle him is a form of pride; and to have an atoms worth of pride in your heart is enough to forbid you from entering paradise.”
Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) say:
“All of my ummah will be excused, except for the Mujaahireen (those who make their sins known). And verily it is a kind of Mujaaharah (exposing one’s sins) that a man does something (sinful) at night, and then in the morning, when Allah has screened his sin for him, he says, ‘Hey So and-So! I did such-and- such last night…’ And the night passed with His Lord screening him, and he wakes up casting aside the screen of Allah from himself.”
But they still ask about your virginity.
The case of virginity does not seem to be as important for men as it is for women. This is evident when suitors (and their parents) speak to a girl and her family. They ask her about her past and question her chastity (virginity).
Who are you to ask so publicly about something that does not concern you? And I say “does not concern you” because you are not asking me if I pray, or read Qur’an, or what kind of children I want to raise. Instead, you are asking me about something extremely inconsequential to the future of our relationship together.
Maybe more important (future in-laws) is to look upon your son and ask him the same questions you want to know about the girl. Chastity pertains to all prior to marriage, not just women. How innocent is the son you have raised? If you feel uncomfortable asking your son this question, why would you feel comfortable asking a woman? More importantly, where did your son get the idea that it was okay to ask that of a woman?
Is your son a virgin?
Perhaps this question would be less revolting and given more importance if this was a degree that we used to judge both man and woman. But it is not.
If anything, the idea of virginity is just another form of control. From an Islamic perspective, yes, physical intimacy is an act that is sacred between husband and wife. But from the way this ruling it practiced culturally, almost no value is given to the religious importance. If there was, there would be more scrutiny on the sexual history of men in the community as well. So many of our communities have a “boys will be boys” attitude, but please someone tell me where in the Qur’an it says a woman’s virginity weighs heavier than a man’s virginity? Hint: it doesn’t exist.
Muslim women have this expectation placed on them, that if they want to be “good girls” they have to remain virgins until they are married. Okay, cool. Your value as a woman is based on some weird social construct of innocence, but what does it say about the way we interpret religion when we only enforce practices on women? Well…then it slowly stops becoming religion.
So many of our communities have a “boys will be boys” attitude, but please someone tell me where in the Quran it says a woman’s virginity weighs heavier than a man’s virginity?
We see this all the time in our communities: A Muslim man who has a questionable past, where it’s known he has had multiple sexual partners, wants to get married. He makes a lists of demands, including that his future wife has “remained pure.” The troubling part is that society lets him do that. Mothers believe that after this period of “experimentation,” their sons will eventually fall right into place after marrying a so called “chaste” woman – that somehow this attribute in the woman will change him for the better. His past is his past, but a woman’s past is her future.
Perhaps we would think this was less cultural if the same invasive question was asked of the man, rather than it turning into some bizarre method of classifying women as “good girl” or “bad girl.” Because really, what else is it?
Co-written by Eman Bare and Marwa Abdulhai
I love this article. Hits the point exactly. I’m at imarriageable age and I fear getting asked this not because I might or might not have a past but because I will be judge be a piece of tissue that apparently prove my purity and faithfulness. A piece of tissue does not define such an important characteristics of mine.
I agree your point about the double standards and the unfair pressure that is put on girls. But to deny someone the right to ask questions about the past of the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with is taking it too far. Why is it ok for a women to ask her potential husband if he has a criminal record, but it is wrong for a man to ask a women about her sexual history. Islamicly speaking they are both crimes. Yes we should talk about destructive cultural customs, but I should never be at the cost of honesty and openess. These two things are the very basis of a healthy mariage. I think we should be fair to both sexes. Not by giving girl the same free pass as the boys get, but by both treating them according to the islamic moral standards. It is the only way to deal with this issue. However I agree with you that public shaming is wrong. There should always be a way to redemption.
I totally agree with this response. I like the article because it discourages public shaming and its likes which the culture promotes but Islam doesn’t allow and hoe only women are targeted. However, what we need to do is not stop asking women the way we don’t ask men but start asking men the way we ask women. Ofcourse we can’t know the entire past of our future spouses but there are things people want to know (and for some it’s virginity). I believe such sensitive questions should only be asked by the future spouse (not the whole family) because they are the ones getting into this relationship, if there is a stain in the other person’s past and they choose to carry on anyway no one has to know about it and if they feel they can’t no one has to know about it either. This way the person (both guy and girl) are given the opportunity to know whatever is important to them and to decide accordingly without involving everyone else and public shaming.
Because a criminal record is due to a criminal act. Since when does premarital sex equate to crime, other than it being a sin? The sex part, unless he/she has an STD has no effect on the quality of the marriage. A criminal record would obviously cause issues. The point is that the sex has nothing to do with anything other than the person wanting to know due to insecurity reasons. If you truly want to be with a person and care about your happiness you would approach it in a matter of “your past is your past and my past is mine, as long as it does not interfere in our future, it’s irrelevant.” I mean, it really is that easy. People make such a big deal of the past and trying to compare contrast each other’s, causing unnecessary problems.
I agree with a lot of the points made in this article – public (or private) shaming of a man or woman should not be occurring. I’m a little surprised that the article hasn’t touched on an even bigger issue than virginity – that is STD’s.
It’s a proven fact that the more someone is sexually promiscuous the more of a chance they have of contracting an STD.
Why isn’t a commonplace in our community for both men and women to undergo STD tests prior to marriage? We’re talking about basic health and wellness here.
i agree, i am Christian an its the same. everyone concentrates on me being a girl and being pure. in Nigeria the worst insult you can receive as a woman is being called a prostitute. they even use the Bible against us too, they bend submission of wives to meaning you have no say in marriage. it put me off religion for a while but through God’s grace, He made me realize who He truly is and that He loves me no less than a man, and with that assurance i wake up every morning knowing that i can be anything i want to be.
100% agreed. Thanks for writing this.
I love this, because it stresses that abstinence from sex until marriage is still important, but the treatment of it (virginity) is often done in a way that is not motivated by purely religious concerns. xxx
Great article! Absolutely agree with a lot of your points, Marwa and Eman. What also bothers me about much of what women are told about their virginity is the lack of education around their body’s anatomy and the science behind sex. Hymens aren’t supposed to “tear” and bleed. And there’s no such thing as being “in tact”. If there was, then tell me how we bleed during our menstral cycles. It’s all fabrication and lack of understanding that has been passed down one generation to the next. What I find is even more disturbing in that same sense are doctors who have that medical expertise and knowledge and are making so much money off of a useless surgery without any shame. It’s all very frustrating but to slowly change this and all of these perceptions, it starts with this generation. It’s all s game of whisper down the lane and now that it’s hit us, we have to change what is being said about virginity and about men.
This is all fine, but the article is also filled with assumptions upon assumptions. What if a guy wants to ask someone he is talking to for marriage about her past because he has also put in the work and has remained a virgin and sees virginity as one aspect of lowering the gaze, a moral principle many people take seriously and want their spouse to have as well? If that’s the purpose for it, then anyone can ask another person about their past. Of course, if the other person doesn’t want to answer for whatever reason, there’s no obligation to.