I’m in an Unhealthy Relationship With My Depression

Written by Anonymous. 

Trigger Warning: Depression, Anxiety, PTSD.

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This is an open letter to all my friends.

I want to start off by telling you, if you don’t already know, that I’m in an abusive relationship with my mind. Some odd weeks ago, I met Depression in the same way you meet any person you start dating — he came to me when I least expected it.

He became so much a part of me that I have to remind myself we aren’t the same person.

At this point, I should confess that I’ve also been seeing Anxiety and PTSD on the side. However, in order to be with them, I must avoid my feelings. This is why I was open to inviting Depression into my life. Finally, I thought, unlike ever before, I met someone that makes me feel something. He is loyal and there with me through everything, even when I didn’t want him to be. We have become inseparable. He became so much a part of me that I have to remind myself we aren’t the same person. In fact, we hung out so much, I started to act like him. There is a reminder of him every time I am alone. His words cling to the back of my thoughts even when he isn’t around. Depression began to grow on me even when I hated things about him.

I acknowledge that Depression has silenced me in order to make room for himself. I am still figuring out when it is my turn to take control of the conversation.

My mood depends on whether Depression is around or not. I’m sorry I’ve been spending more time with Depression than with you, dear friends. I don’t know how to tell him to leave me alone. I am sorry my Depression has made you feel frustrated every time he has third-wheeled while we hung out. Sometimes, he even speaks for me and I become the third wheel between you two.

I acknowledge that Depression has silenced me in order to make room for himself. I am still figuring out when it is my turn to take control of the conversation. I appreciate your effort, dear friends, in making sure I win this custody battle with Depression over my mind. Whether you see the battle happening or not, I want you to know I am a fighter. I am a warrior in constant battle feeling defeated.

I need you to understand, however, that it is difficult to demand a service, while simultaneously distancing myself from those who provide it to me.

I know that the first step to leaving an abusive relationship is seeking assistance. No battle can be won with a one-(wo)man army. I know where all the help is. I need you to understand, however, that it is difficult to demand a service, while simultaneously distancing myself from those who provide it to me.

With that said, I ask you to be patient with me — even when I go running back to Depression for comfort. I ask you to be human with your emotion towards me. It is okay to be frustrated at my lack of progress towards a healthier relationship with my mind. I need you, however, to allow me room to do this at my own speed. I am sorry for the days I do not show effort in reclaiming myself. Please do not lose hope in me, for I have only little hope in myself. I know Depression will always be there for me. My question is, will you?