By Each morning that I wake, I am grateful. Alhamdulillah.
My faith is strong. My family is loving, supportive and encouraging. My job is comfortable, my friends remarkable, and my passion for helping others is unremitting. I travel the world, have a vast global business network, work with purpose and integrity, and have had meaningful experiences in engaging others in conversations on the Islamic faith, Arab culture, and being an Arab-American Muslim in a post-9/11 society. I consider myself blessed, happy, and comfortable in the life I have built.
Culture and tradition set many standards in small communities like mine. Being single at age 37 is like being 85 and never having been kissed…or having a third eye. I am approached by many “concerned” community members who ask, “When are you going to settle down and be happy?” or “We are proud of your achievements, though you will have to settle because most men cannot handle your success,” and worse yet, “Why would you go to Hajj so many times…this may deter someone who is interested in you.”
Culture and tradition set many standards in small communities like mine. Being single at age 37 is like being 85 and never having been kissed…or having a third eye.
Ouf! Since when was your strength in faith or your visits to holy shrines a deterrent for getting married?
I first made pilgrimage (Hajj) in 2013 with my mother and sister. It was an amazing experience, and I ached to return to the holy cities of Medina and Mecca. The ability to visit my beloved Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h.), and pour my heart out to my Creator at the Holy Kaa’ba was an experience that changed my life. I returned in 2015, and then once again this year.
While in conversations with pilgrims in my group, I found that the topic of marriage was always coming up. Both women and men shared with me their concerns that I was not yet “fulfilled” without a spouse.
Since when did my being a “complete and whole” being depend on my companionship with another person? I am whole. I am complete. Most importantly, I know my value and my worth. Why settle for less than what I deserve?
I explained, countless times during my Hajj experiences (as this topic would always arise), that I am only interested in marrying someone who will contribute to my mental, emotional, and spiritual growth; a man adherent in faith, with a strong moral compass and family values, who is not intimidated by a confident and successful woman. When I’d share this, I would receive a polite nod, and reassurance that everyone would pray for me as much as possible while in the holy cities. Gee, thanks…?
The side comments were never-ending.
“You may have to settle for someone who is not as strong or successful.”
“Perhaps you need to scale back on your activities and affiliations so you don’t intimidate men.”
“Did you think of looking outside of our culture? You know how Arab men find it hard to accept a woman who may be of higher influence or importance.”
“You are not getting younger. Don’t you want to have children and raise a family?”
“Time is ticking.”
“You need someone to take care of you. Do you want to die, alone?”
I am whole. I am complete. Most importantly, I know my value and my worth. Why settle for less than what I deserve?
I am not looking to be with someone who would find my achievements or abilities intimidating. That type of person would be too weak for me.
I am not concerned with my “biological clock,” as I am content with the path Allah (swt) has set for me. If I am blessed to give birth to a child, then I welcome that blessing wholeheartedly. If not, I welcome that path as well, and will be grateful. Allah (swt) is the greatest of planners, right?
These conversations made me think of my “wholeness.” My ability to be “whole and complete” is not dependent on another person validating my existence. I was given the blessing of passion and purpose; to have the desire to help others, and serve my community with distinction and truthfulness.
Too often, I witness young women seeking validation from others, needing to find their value and worth in another person’s acceptance or acknowledgement. Each day, Allah (swt) validates my existence as I stand before Him in prayer, when I wake each morning to begin a new journey, and when I accomplish the goals I have set for myself. My validation comes from my desire to please Allah (swt), not others.
My ability to be “whole and complete” is not dependent on another person validating my existence. My validation comes from my desire to please Allah (swt), not others.
Many have culturally defined marriage as something that “completes” you, while romantic films and foreign soap operas give us a false image of the reality of commitment, marriage, and family. Alhamdulillah I have parents that encouraged me to be a strong and confident woman, reminding me that validation should not be sought in others, and that I should focus on loving myself, strengthening my faith, and trusting in Allah (swt) and His plan.
“Among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility with them and He put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” Quran Ar-Rum [30:21]
I know these concerned brothers and sisters mean well and have good intentions, but if you wish to continue your prayers for me, please ask the Almighty to send me a man who will bring tranquility to my soul, walk with me on a righteous path, and help me to be a better Muslim and global citizen.
Sincerely,
37, Single, and Unapologetically Happy
Why do spinsters always blame men being intimidated by them as the reason why no one wants them? Maybe being arrogant & thinking you are above the average man is why you are single at almost 40? Every aging spinster has this mindset while happily married good women are picked in their 20’s.
Geez, you sound like a very angry….man. Did you even read the article? You don’t even know the author but blames her singlehood on her being arrogant and thinking she’s above the average male. Did it perhaps occur to you that she’s saying this because she’s had direct experience with this kind of mindset? I have an unmarried older sister who is extremely well educated and she and her so-called spinster educated friends are often DIRECTLY told that they’re intimidating because of their career achievements. The message is that an intelligent career minded female will attempt to challenge her husband’s leadership role in the home. Even my brothers were advised that they should marry a submissive woman who is not as clever as they are in case their wives try to “wear the pants”. Good thing they never listened,
Sadly, I have had many men tell me that I am intimidating and my network and public life is overwhelming. Not everyone can handle being with someone who may be in the spotlight and that is a personal choice.
I can’t expect every man to understand this concept and I am grateful to have more common sense than to marry for the sake of getting married…God forbid I end up with someone like the above who feels that women beyond their 20’s are spinsters.
Dear Max…sadly, it is that kind of mentality that allows for women, like me, to be grateful to have not wasted their time on someone with such a close-minded view of women and marriage.
Many women beyond their 20’s are successful, happy, and finding love…it is not worth it to be in a relationship with someone who cannot see you as an equal or is easily intimidated by someone who is in a more public role.
I can respect a man who says he finds it overwhelming…but “spinsters” is not the word for a woman who has been successful and focused on things that are beyond marriage…
Alhamdulillah Allah (swt) is the best of planners and gave us a brain to make our decisions in life. Perhaps you should remove your negative lens and read the article again to understand that my point is to appreciate yourself and not feel the need to be validated by another human.
Ah. I understand your frustrations because I have experienced it beforehand. I didn’t and still don’t understand why people think that a marriage can help you settled in but don’t realize that it might not apply everyone. Indeed, it might be early for me to decide since I am still in 20s. I, however, find it so strange about the society and its perspective on marriage. For instance, people would say, “God will help find a man for you.” but they would stress you to find a man ASAP. Or, people would tell me to stop traveling and get settled in. (DEFINITELY NO WAY….! I am too addicted in traveling!) To shut their mouths off, I would ask them if they know me very well, they should know that I am not interested in satisfying their expectations. (Shrugging)
Kellie, it is always difficult for me to wrap my head around the term “settle down”…as if I have not been settled already…in fact, I am more “settled” and stable than most…financially, intellectually, emotionally, and mentally. Just be you…enjoy life and everything will fall into place when it is time.
This could have been written for me bar tiny details like being a year younger and being of Indian decent. Except, I also lack in support from family in terms of being understood; they’re unfortunately easily coerced and misdirected into worrying by other “well-intentioned” family members, colleagues and friends. However, they don’t force me or threaten me into making bad decisions either, so Alhumadulillah ala kulle haal. Having said that, everything else you have said here, is spot on and sadly, only truly understood by few, men or women alike. You’ve also been more blessed mashaAllah tabarakAllah in that you’ve been invited thrice by Allah swt for Hajj, whilst I being born and raised in Saudi Arabia have yet to find my blessed invitiation. Please make dua for this sister of yours to be able to accomplish that dream in able-bodied good health, with ease, and sooner than later, inshaAllah. JazakAllah khair for sharing this article, and for keeping the rest of us in your duas, as shall you and others like us be in mine, regardless of gender. InshaAllah, may we always remain true and guided, ever close to our Lord, in spirit and form, in this life and the next, and always accept with grace His Decree, however He fashions it for us… Allahumma Ameen.
Beautifully stated Hayaah! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wishes…may Allah swt bless you with an extraordinary invitation that will cleanse your mind, body, and spirit in ways you never imagined. May you always find happiness and success on your journeys
Ameen and jazakAllah alf khair <3
It is an existential instinct to push men and women to get married. The institution of marriage is to ensure that we procreate and take care of our offsprings in order to grow the Ummah. That is why Hadeeth says marriage is half your faith:
Al-Haakim narrated in al-Mustadrak from Anas, in a marfoo’ report: “Whomever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, He has helped him with half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.”
Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.” Al-Albaani said of these two hadeeths in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (1916): “(They are) hasan li ghayrihi.”
Don’t take it personally when the obnoxious elders of the community shame you for being single. They see it as they’re looking out for the greater good of the Ummah.
Thank you, Ghada <3 I try to see them as being considerate about it…lol
Your marrying the other half of your Deen!!! someone who you are supposed to grow with in emam and become better people together. why on earth should you settle for anything less than your equal. These are the voices the muslim community needs more of.
Thank you for writing this! The pressure to marry and marry young for that matter is immense and unnecessary! The Prophet peace be upon him did not encourage this sort of judgement or pressure on women, even though marriage is encouraged in Islam. But men and women have a choice. It is not fard and we need to be conscious of our conversations with each other. SakeenahBegum.com