Sisters, something has been brought to my attention and it has just filled me with insurmountable disappointment in my fellow Muslim women. I don’t even know how I can discuss it right now, but I’m going to pull myself together and do it. Recently, a Muslim cleric posted a 17 point long doctorate in Tweet format on why Muslim women should not participate in selfies.
His name is Felix, and he’s not a mufti or a sheikh, but he’s got a lot of followers on Twitter and has written some books, which of course is a lot more applicable than having complete and incorruptible knowledge about what the Quran actually says. This guy is the realest of real deals. We need to listen to his wisdom. His theological breakthrough on the relationship between selfies and female piety has really turned me around. I mean let’s take a look at this golden nugget that he blessed the Internet with:
That’s right! Selfies are a gateway drug to people noticing that you are alive and that you’re drop dead gorgeous. I mean, what right do we have to put ourselves on social media and show that Muslim women exist or that they have humanlike qualities? Obviously, because we’re always walking ten steps behind our aging husbands, it’s easy to find time to take these selfies — but the hour has come to put ourselves in check.
Felix mentions in his other tweets that selfies are arrogant and they are a way of showing others that we’re better than them. Personally, I agree. That’s the exact purpose of my selfies: I know for a fact that I’m better than basically everyone my age, and I think that having them see my face is a great declaration of that.
But thanks to Felix, I’ve seen the light. And the light is coming from my camera. The camera that I will use to elevate my selfie game, because Felix isn’t really mad about the amount of selfies Muslim women are taking. He’s clearly upset about the quality!
Guys, he just wants us to take more humble photos because we’re making the non-Muslim girls feel bad. We’re getting too many likes and too many views. Too many people are seeing how awesome and beautiful and relevant Muslim girls are. I mean half of us are drop dead gorgeous with layers of fabric on our heads and they’re already throwing shade, can you imagine how hurt everyone would be if we unleashed our entire beauty on social media?
Muslim girls would break the Internet.
So in an effort to be like my new hero, Sheikh Felix, and help my sisters humble their selfie game, here are some new guidelines I came up with:
1. Filter the ever-living crap out of everything.
Filters will help lessen the image of you being an incredibly beautiful creature crafted by the good Lord Himself. Other people will feel more comfortable.
2. Don’t actually look at the camera.
Helloooooo, your beautiful eyes are the windows to your soul. You can’t just go around showing your soul to everybody that has access to the Internet. What would Felix have to say about that? Instead, highlight the lines in your scarf. Don’t wear one? Then look away to highlight a less beautiful part of your face. Some of you might need help finding these less beautiful angles, so just ask your enemies.
3. Use natural light to obliterate your features.
This can work in two different ways. You can take your selfies in very low light or the blinding sun so as to camouflage your good looks. After taking this photo, I highly recommend darkness over the sun because now I see spots every time I blink.
There are lots of ways to turn your selfie into a selfless-ie. It just takes a little extra effort.
Feature image from BuzzFeed