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Humble Your Self(ie)

Humble Your Self(ie)

Sisters, something has been brought to my attention and it has just filled me with insurmountable disappointment in my fellow Muslim women. I don’t even know how I can discuss it right now, but I’m going to pull myself together and do it. Recently, a Muslim cleric posted a 17 point long doctorate in Tweet format on why Muslim women should not participate in selfies.

His name is Felix, and he’s not a mufti or a sheikh, but he’s got a lot of followers on Twitter and has written some books, which of course is a lot more applicable than having complete and incorruptible knowledge about what the Quran actually says. This guy is the realest of real deals. We need to listen to his wisdom. His theological breakthrough on the relationship between selfies and female piety has really turned me around. I mean let’s take a look at this golden nugget that he blessed the Internet with:

If we take a selfie and upload it on social media, desperately hoping for view, likes, comments or whatever – we’ve fallen into the OSTENTATIOUS trap…

That’s right! Selfies are a gateway drug to people noticing that you are alive and that you’re drop dead gorgeous. I mean, what right do we have to put ourselves on social media and show that Muslim women exist or that they have humanlike qualities? Obviously, because we’re always walking ten steps behind our aging husbands, it’s easy to find time to take these selfies — but the hour has come to put ourselves in check. 

Felix mentions in his other tweets that selfies are arrogant and they are a way of showing others that we’re better than them. Personally, I agree. That’s the exact purpose of my selfies: I know for a fact that I’m better than basically everyone my age, and I think that having them see my face is a great declaration of that.

But thanks to Felix, I’ve seen the light. And the light is coming from my camera. The camera that I will use to elevate my selfie game, because Felix isn’t really mad about the amount of selfies Muslim women are taking. He’s clearly upset about the quality!

Guys, he just wants us to take more humble photos because we’re making the non-Muslim girls feel bad. We’re getting too many likes and too many views. Too many people are seeing how awesome and beautiful and relevant Muslim girls are. I mean half of us are drop dead gorgeous with layers of fabric on our heads and they’re already throwing shade, can you imagine how hurt everyone would be if we unleashed our entire beauty on social media?

Muslim girls would break the Internet.

So in an effort to be like my new hero, Sheikh Felix, and help my sisters humble their selfie game, here are some new guidelines I came up with:

1. Filter the ever-living crap out of everything.

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Filters will help lessen the image of you being an incredibly beautiful creature crafted by the good Lord Himself. Other people will feel more comfortable.

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2. Don’t actually look at the camera.

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Helloooooo, your beautiful eyes are the windows to your soul. You can’t just go around showing your soul to everybody that has access to the Internet. What would Felix have to say about that? Instead, highlight the lines in your scarf. Don’t wear one? Then look away to highlight a less beautiful part of your face. Some of you might need help finding these less beautiful angles, so just ask your enemies.

3. Use natural light to obliterate your features.

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This can work in two different ways. You can take your selfies in very low light or the blinding sun so as to camouflage your good looks. After taking this photo, I highly recommend darkness over the sun because now I see spots every time I blink.

There are lots of ways to turn your selfie into a selfless-ie. It just takes a little extra effort.

Feature image from BuzzFeed

View Comments (16)
      • what do you think tanveer? who is the stupid one.
        wait let me guess, me? but I’m not in the running, between the author and the tweeter?

        • Evidently. I guess you don’t understand the meaning of “I don’t want to see your account in my notifications again”? It’s basic English – even a dyslexic child would understand what I’m saying.

          Let me spell it out word by word for you so that your lobotomised mind has a greater chance of comprehending what I say.

          S – T – O – P [space] A – N – N – O – Y – I – N – G [space] M – E

          God forsaken idiot.

  • I didn’t think y’all were even allowed to take pictures:
    http://www.searchtruth.com/searchHadith.php?keyword=pillow+animal&translator=1&search=1&book=&start=0&records_display=10&search_word=all
    “Narrated ‘Aisha: I stuffed for the Prophet a pillow decorated with pictures (of animals) which looked like a Namruqa (i.e. a small cushion). He came and stood among the people with excitement apparent on his face. I said, “O Allah’s Apostle! What is wrong?” He said, “What is this pillow?” I said, “I have prepared this pillow for you, so that you may recline on it.” He said, “Don’t you know that angels do not enter a house wherein there are pictures; and whoever makes a picture will be punished on the Day of Resurrection and will be asked to give life to (what he has created)?” (Book #54, Hadith #447)”

    • umm you misinterpreted the hadith. And if you are truly muslim you would know that all hadiths arent authentic. “if you want to correct somebody then you need to come with verses from the Quran. Allah says that i have sent down my book. Meaning that he has sent down the Quran, which is his book to guide us along with The Prophet Muhammad. It is said that you arent supposed to make pray with Faces around you. Images means a variety of pics. The image could be a stone or a building. We are allowed to take pictures, as long as your intent to take the picture isn’t harmful or made out of pettiness.

      • I’m not a muslim. I think all hadiths are nonsense.
        so the hadith is not authentic? ok. how about the Koran not being authentic. can’t we say that?

        • no we cant say that because The Qur’an introduces itself as the guidance for the worlds (3:96); and the manifest light (4:174).

          According to Qur’an, Allah has laid down solution of every human problem in the Qur’an very clearly. Qur’an says: “and We have revealed the Book to you explaining clearly everything (16:89).

          Also He has described the Qur’an in these words: “ ……. a guidance for mankind and clear evidence of guidance and discrimination (between wrong)”. (2:185).

          the hadith can be written by anyone, that’s why the muslims who put there common sense together have come to the conclusion that all hadiths are not authentic.

          Under the community of Imam W D Muhammad, he says “if it goes against your common sense then don’t deal with it”
          so if the hadith is something that is all the way in left field and it goes against the common sense of a person then i advise you not to pay attention to .

          Allah says in the Quran “i give you nothing but your common sense”
          therefore we cannot say that the Quran isnt authentic.
          and its spelled Q-u-r-a-n not k-o-r-a-n

          • “a guidance for mankind and clear evidence of guidance and discrimination (between wrong)”. (2:185).” if it is so clear than why is there disagreement as to what it says? is the Islamic State following the Koran? the ahmadis? the Sufis, shia?

            “”i give you nothing but your common sense”” so can jinn have sex with humans? because a lot of muslims believe that. I think it is 55:56.

            btw, Koran is a perfectly acceptable spelling.

          • So you have studied hadith sciencd i assume. So the Prophet Muhammad sas would not speak to his companions righ??

    • So you think there were cameras, easily accessible in Arabia in ~1400 AD?

      History is your friend. Or really, just a quick Google search.

    • this doesnt really have anything to do with taking pictures. people always cite this hadith for so many random reasons, like photos or making art or whatever

  • “ways to turn your selfie into a selfless-ie”

    A few handy tips were left out Before taking your selfie:

    1) Cover yourself from head to toe, because in truth, women are such vile seductive creatures, that it is better that no one really needs to see any of our parts.

    2) Turn completely away from the camera so that only the back of the head is photographed (modestly covered, of course).

    3) Using bright natural light is a good idea, however a better idea is to turn the flash off, and take the photos in complete darkness. That will really bring out for all to see. the mysterious inner beauty that is the pious Muslim woman.

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