Written by Anonymous.
Warning: There is strong adult language in this article.
The older you get, the more life makes sense. Sometimes things are unexplained, and you have to accept them as your life story. My story is hard to tell because many people don’t believe me. Some people have extremely healthy relationships with their parents, but I wasn’t blessed with that.
It all started when I was a little girl; I was always in trouble at home. I was a straight A student, with no behavioral issues. When it came to my home life, I was never told what to do, but somehow I was always expected to do something. My mom was always on my case. I never was allowed to do anything, or go anywhere unless my mom was there. I couldn’t talk on the phone without my mom prying into my conversations. God forbid I left my phone at home, my mom would snoop through that too. It was like hell. I still tried to be the perfect child, but who was I kidding? Nothing was good enough.
Throughout my late teens and early adulthood, I was verbally and emotionally abused. There is still a scar left where I have been hurt, but it is slowly healing. I was called every disgusting name in the Arabic dictionary. From stupid to prostitute, to hoe. The funny thing is, I never had any intimate relations with any male due to fear.
When I was in college, I met the man of my dreams. He came to my house and did a traditional Middle Eastern proposal to my parents. They accepted, but that is when everything went downhill. The night of my engagement, my mom was trying to make implications that I didn’t meet him the “halal” way — she was trying to sabotage these happy moments. She repetitively kept asking my in-laws how they knew about me, and when they left she kept telling my dad that “he didn’t come from Allah.”
When it came to my wedding, she told my mother-in-law I was not a good daughter, and my husband should leave me. When I left on my honeymoon, she was trying to get my friends against me. She has put a huge burden on my marriage from the amount of control she is trying to possess. My mom would literally call me 20 times until I would answer the phone. It was never-ending. When my daughter was born, she threw insults at me because I didn’t invite her into the delivery room.
I always wished for a mother who loved me, who gave me the benefit of the doubt, who told me I was worth something, and who I could go to for advice. I just have to accept that I will never have that.
It finally came to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to seek professional help because of all the stress and pressure I was under. I was being attacked constantly, even when I moved out. I started taking control of my life; With the help of anti-anxiety meds, I realized what I went through was a very toxic cycle. It’s very damaging to the soul, and I needed to do a lot of repair. Internally, I was broken — I still am.
I never tell my story publicly because I always have to listen to people give my mom the benefit of the doubt. Like, “Oh she’s your mother though, she didn’t mean it.” She didn’t mean to call me a cunt my whole life? It sucks because I realized I never had a mother. I had someone that traumatized me. I even tried to go to therapy to fix the situation, but that made everything worse.I always wished for a mother who loved me, who gave me the benefit of the doubt, who told me I was worth something, and who I could go to for advice. I just have to accept that I will never have that. I try to forgive & trust, but then I get bit again.
For a long time, I cried. Not for myself, but for my mother. She was dead and damaged inside. As an adult, I realized that her behaviors were not normal. I can’t diagnose her with anything, but something is not right. You don’t treat someone like that — let alone your own family. What I lived through was not normal. The only way I can have a relationship with my mother is if she fixed herself.
If you have a healthy mother, please never take her for granted. Hug her and thank her for what she has done for you. I always pray that I can be there for my daughter, and give her what I never had.