The great thing about the internet is the amount of info-sharing that happens! Recently, I got to read a splendid piece on what it’s like to date Muslim girls as told by a non-Muslim, white Australian man. I was so amazed by his nonexistent professionalism and truth. Granted, there is a disclaimer that mentions his findings come from generalizations, but these days I guess there’s not much difference between generalizations and actual full-fledged research.
So I did a little “research” study of my own and was able to uncover all of the vast complexities of the female Muslim experience. Isn’t that amazing? And, as an added bonus, I was able to condense all my findings into 8 brilliant points. Enjoy. I’ll just sit here by the mailbox, waiting for my pulitzer.
1. Douchebags that you would never touch with a 20-foot pole want to date you.
Not only do they want to date you, but they also want to write about it on their douchey blogs. By dating you, they’ll somehow become fully informed on the plight of all people dating all types of Muslim women and will make it their civil duty to share that information with the world.
The only problem is that you don’t want to date them and chances are that you won’t. It’s okay. They’re going to make up some stuff based completely on conjecture and post that shit online anyway. Point is: get as far away from these people as possible.
2. Everybody wants to be, act, and think like you.
And I do mean everybody. People want to wear what you wear, know what it’s like to walk in your shoes, appropriate your culture, and they want to do henna — which isn’t a Muslim thing but who cares, right? Henna party!
You’re basically famous without all the perks of actually being famous. There are going to be movies about you. Extensive think pieces written by middle-aged men, episodes of TV shows, documentaries, and opinions will revolve around you because everyone wants to be — and apparently thinks they are — a Muslim girl. Every single person, ever.
3. Your opinion is invalid.
Oh, are you politically active? Are you a feminist? Did you decide to wear hijab on your own? Did you convert to Islam on your own? Do you know the muffin man? HAHAHA NO ONE CARES.
None of these things apply to you because the “sexist and patriarchal” religion that you belong to — which granted all women their basic human rights rights over 1400 years ago while Europeans were still trying to figure out the mechanics of the vagina and if women were humans or witches — has completely stripped you of any opinion.
If you want to know what to think, please ask your husband. But, if he’s talking to one of his other seven wives, say excuse me first. Manners are crucial.
4. Freedom? You’re not free.
George Washington sailed to this land on a ship shaped like a cross whlie clutching bacon to his heart, signed the Declaration of Independence over a bottle of vodka with his friend Nicolas Cage, and officially founded the land of the free — the United States of America.
Muslim women can’t eat bacon, aren’t Christian, and can’t drink alcohol. So, scientifically and historically, they are incapable of freedom. George Washington also had great hair, which aided him during his invention of freedom. So obviously for any American to be truly free they’ve got to show off them patriotic locks.
5. Say “hi” to the Haram Police.
I’m going to dedicate this one to all the girls, may the lord have mercy on their souls, who post a picture of Ryan Gosling, only to find 20 messages and comments and wall posts from various members of the self-appointed community of Haram Police.
The Haram Police are like Liam Neeson. They will find you and they will kill your joy. The Haram Police come fully equipped with various sets of phrases, ranging from the traditional “Sister, we should all work to better ourselves,” to the well-known “Muslim women are like pearls and oranges…”
And if you even think about firing back at the Haram Police for their sexist and nonsensical comments, please refer to point #3.
6. Clothes are the enemy.
It’s like when you find a really cute skirt at Forever 21 that’s high waisted and goes down to your ankles, and it’s even on sale —
— but, then, you hold it in your hands to find that the side slits go all the way up to your baby maker. Why do people even design that? Why is it so hard to be a badass fashionista while not showing like 70% of the surface of your skin?
7. It’s time to get married.
Literally, it doesn’t matter what time it is, but, it’s time to get married. Why aren’t you married yet? Don’t you know that some random sister’s daughter at the masjid your mom used to go to just got married? She’s 22 and you’re 22.5, why are you so behind? Get it together, girlfriend!
8. You are the sole foundation, purpose, and voice of this website.
We love you to death. We love the variations, we love the shared experiences, we just straight up love every one of you. We love that we get to be a #MuslimGirlArmy and we love that we get to put our stories out into the world. Because there’s nothing cooler than being exactly who you want to be — except maybe getting to write about it.
So, we make it our mission to put some outrageous, stupid, crazy, dumb, ridiculous, sexist, annoying, ignorant, and just plain mean things on blast. Maybe, one day, the media will let Muslim women answer for Muslim women. Until then, feel free to voice your annoyed sarcasm right here (like we just did — for the most part.)