Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson recently said, “The United States should not elect a Muslim for president.”
We’d like to add to that statement that America should not accept Muslims who invent things like, oh — I don’t know, clocks? Because honestly, what do we really know about these alleged clocks, am I right? Are they only telling Muslim time? Why do they tick?
While Donald Trump just wants to force America into greatness, Ben Carson wants to make Americans think for themselves and stop being sheep. So we thought, what would a Muslim presidential administration really look like? The short answer: Terrifying. The long answer: We broke it down to still keep it short.
4. It is literally unconstitutional
Okay, so I’m not a constitutional lawyer, but I know this to be fact. The founding fathers who wrote this Constitution crafted it entirely off of Judeo-Christian principles that were strictly molded to benefit heterosexual, affluent white men — a.k.a., the entire population of the United States. How can we expect a Muslim president to uphold those kinds of values?
I mean, America already allowed a secret Muslim to be president for eight years, and our country has nearly fallen to pieces with all of this affordable healthcare and decreased unemployment. That’s not how we make America great. It’s how we make America weak. We need a real leader who understands all of us, not just the Muslims of us. Ain’t that right, ‘Ye?
3. Non-Muslims would be forced to convert
I know what you’re thinking. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never forced anyone to convert, and he even protected the non-Muslims as long as they were also monotheistic. He even refers to Christians and Jews as “People of the Book.”
So why would a Muslim president make conversion necessary? Heaven points. You see, Muhammad was a prophet who literally communicated directly with God, so he has all the heaven points he needs. The rest of us? Who knows what our heaven points are looking like — and everyone knows that the best way to get into heaven is to force millions of people to convert to Islam. Presidents can make that happen.
2. Qurans will replace all the Bibles everywhere.
Hotel room drawers, Catholic schools, Jewish schools, state universities, private universities, your dentist’s office. Qurans everywhere. They’ll even become a fashion accessory. Think we’re kidding? Just ask Lindsay Lohan, who was one of the brave Americans chosen for a focus group on Muslim presidents.
1.The reason that real Americans should fear the most: No. More. Bacon.
There won’t even be bacon substitutes. In fact, all pigs will be shipped out of the United States. What is life without bacon though? America, we are calling on all you true patriots to stand united and firm to fight for the freedom of the bacon!