I’m Not Settling, But Your Prayers Are Always Welcome

Suehaila and friends at Hajj 2016.
  • Max

    Why do spinsters always blame men being intimidated by them as the reason why no one wants them? Maybe being arrogant & thinking you are above the average man is why you are single at almost 40? Every aging spinster has this mindset while happily married good women are picked in their 20’s.

    • Aneesa

      Geez, you sound like a very angry….man. Did you even read the article? You don’t even know the author but blames her singlehood on her being arrogant and thinking she’s above the average male. Did it perhaps occur to you that she’s saying this because she’s had direct experience with this kind of mindset? I have an unmarried older sister who is extremely well educated and she and her so-called spinster educated friends are often DIRECTLY told that they’re intimidating because of their career achievements. The message is that an intelligent career minded female will attempt to challenge her husband’s leadership role in the home. Even my brothers were advised that they should marry a submissive woman who is not as clever as they are in case their wives try to “wear the pants”. Good thing they never listened,

      • Suehaila

        Sadly, I have had many men tell me that I am intimidating and my network and public life is overwhelming. Not everyone can handle being with someone who may be in the spotlight and that is a personal choice.
        I can’t expect every man to understand this concept and I am grateful to have more common sense than to marry for the sake of getting married…God forbid I end up with someone like the above who feels that women beyond their 20’s are spinsters.

    • Suehaila

      Dear Max…sadly, it is that kind of mentality that allows for women, like me, to be grateful to have not wasted their time on someone with such a close-minded view of women and marriage.
      Many women beyond their 20’s are successful, happy, and finding love…it is not worth it to be in a relationship with someone who cannot see you as an equal or is easily intimidated by someone who is in a more public role.
      I can respect a man who says he finds it overwhelming…but “spinsters” is not the word for a woman who has been successful and focused on things that are beyond marriage…
      Alhamdulillah Allah (swt) is the best of planners and gave us a brain to make our decisions in life. Perhaps you should remove your negative lens and read the article again to understand that my point is to appreciate yourself and not feel the need to be validated by another human.

  • Kellie

    Ah. I understand your frustrations because I have experienced it beforehand. I didn’t and still don’t understand why people think that a marriage can help you settled in but don’t realize that it might not apply everyone. Indeed, it might be early for me to decide since I am still in 20s. I, however, find it so strange about the society and its perspective on marriage. For instance, people would say, “God will help find a man for you.” but they would stress you to find a man ASAP. Or, people would tell me to stop traveling and get settled in. (DEFINITELY NO WAY….! I am too addicted in traveling!) To shut their mouths off, I would ask them if they know me very well, they should know that I am not interested in satisfying their expectations. (Shrugging)

    • Suehaila

      Kellie, it is always difficult for me to wrap my head around the term “settle down”…as if I have not been settled already…in fact, I am more “settled” and stable than most…financially, intellectually, emotionally, and mentally. Just be you…enjoy life and everything will fall into place when it is time.

  • Hayaah

    This could have been written for me bar tiny details like being a year younger and being of Indian decent. Except, I also lack in support from family in terms of being understood; they’re unfortunately easily coerced and misdirected into worrying by other “well-intentioned” family members, colleagues and friends. However, they don’t force me or threaten me into making bad decisions either, so Alhumadulillah ala kulle haal. Having said that, everything else you have said here, is spot on and sadly, only truly understood by few, men or women alike. You’ve also been more blessed mashaAllah tabarakAllah in that you’ve been invited thrice by Allah swt for Hajj, whilst I being born and raised in Saudi Arabia have yet to find my blessed invitiation. Please make dua for this sister of yours to be able to accomplish that dream in able-bodied good health, with ease, and sooner than later, inshaAllah. JazakAllah khair for sharing this article, and for keeping the rest of us in your duas, as shall you and others like us be in mine, regardless of gender. InshaAllah, may we always remain true and guided, ever close to our Lord, in spirit and form, in this life and the next, and always accept with grace His Decree, however He fashions it for us… Allahumma Ameen.

    • Suehaila

      Beautifully stated Hayaah! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wishes…may Allah swt bless you with an extraordinary invitation that will cleanse your mind, body, and spirit in ways you never imagined. May you always find happiness and success on your journeys

      • Hayaah

        Ameen and jazakAllah alf khair <3

  • GhadaElnajjar

    It is an existential instinct to push men and women to get married. The institution of marriage is to ensure that we procreate and take care of our offsprings in order to grow the Ummah. That is why Hadeeth says marriage is half your faith:

    Al-Haakim narrated in al-Mustadrak from Anas, in a marfoo’ report: “Whomever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, He has helped him with half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.”

    Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.” Al-Albaani said of these two hadeeths in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (1916): “(They are) hasan li ghayrihi.”

    Don’t take it personally when the obnoxious elders of the community shame you for being single. They see it as they’re looking out for the greater good of the Ummah.

    • Suehaila

      Thank you, Ghada <3 I try to see them as being considerate about it…lol

  • natalie

    Your marrying the other half of your Deen!!! someone who you are supposed to grow with in emam and become better people together. why on earth should you settle for anything less than your equal. These are the voices the muslim community needs more of.

  • http://sakeenahbegum.com Sakeenah Begum

    Thank you for writing this! The pressure to marry and marry young for that matter is immense and unnecessary! The Prophet peace be upon him did not encourage this sort of judgement or pressure on women, even though marriage is encouraged in Islam. But men and women have a choice. It is not fard and we need to be conscious of our conversations with each other. SakeenahBegum.com