What It Was Like Being in a Long Distance Marriage With My Fiancé

My second wedding anniversary is next month, but in society’s eyes, I’ve only been married for one year.
My wedding was not a secret or a sham, but despite having hundreds of guests in attendance, as well as announcing my marriage on social media, I cannot count the number of times people asked me when my wedding will be — after I was already married.

I was frustrated by having backwards, un-Islamic cultural expectations imposed upon my marriage. And I was shocked at how easily people asked about and commented on my intimate relationship with my husband, even in front of other people.

Questions like, “What does your fiancé do?” and, “How does it feel to be engaged?” were asked left and right.

Distance made us less married?

The reason for this was clear: my husband and I were in a long-distance marriage, and a larger reception was to take place almost a year after our wedding. At that point, I would finally have graduated from college and be able to move to where he was going to school.
But regardless of what the explanation was, it does not justify the behavior exhibited toward us by others, whether intentionally offensive or not.
I grew tired of people pretending that we were somehow “less married” than other couples — calling us things like “nikahed” and “nikahfied,” which nobody has called us since we started living together. I was frustrated by having backwards, un-Islamic cultural expectations imposed upon my marriage. And I was shocked at how easily people asked about and commented on my intimate relationship with my husband, even in front of other people.
None of these incidents have happened to me ever since I moved in with my husband, so they are clearly not normal.

It is NOT okay or appropriate to take this out of context and try to force it upon two adults. It is NOT okay to threaten a married couple in order to get them to follow certain ‘rules,’ which would otherwise not apply to them according to Islam.

These things are not something that I can or even should just get over and forget about, as long as they continue happening to others.
Some may argue that there’s nothing wrong with it; after all, Aisha (RA) didn’t live with the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) immediately, and it was known to the public that they were waiting to consummate their marriage. But this is like comparing apples to oranges because Aisha (RA) was not Islamically considered mature enough to consummate the marriage.
It is NOT okay or appropriate to take this out of context and try to force it upon two adults. It is NOT okay to threaten a married couple in order to get them to follow certain “rules,” which would otherwise not apply to them according to Islam. It is totally unacceptable, and even sinful, to coerce and blackmail a man to get him to stay away from his wife, as if by being alone with each other, they will be committing zina — with their spouse. (Just so we’re clear: this is not possible.)
Doing these things shows that you somehow disagree with Allah’s (SWT) laws and think that their nikah is not enough.
Whether a couple gets married at the most extravagant venue in town in front of 500+ people, or at the masjid with only two official witnesses, they are equally deserving of the rights and respect given to them through Islam.
If a couple chooses to have a “post-wedding, pre-walima reception” out of their own free will, and it was not forced upon them, that’s fine, but the same principles apply as far as how they should be treated.
Also, I have known couples who were in long-distance marriages immediately after their weddings, but didn’t have another reception planned, so they did not go though most of this at the hands of other people.
Their wedding events were over, and whether they were living together or apart was seen as their business. That’s how it should be for all married couples.

“And you may now consummate your marriage…”

Another problem I see with having a “second wedding” is that it has very inappropriate connotations attached to it. This reception almost always means, “This couple may now consummate their marriage,” and that is honestly just messed up.
It makes people have unwarranted suspicions of the couple if they see or hear about them doing something, going somewhere, or acting a certain way together before the “big day,” even if they’re already married.

Whether a couple gets married at the most extravagant venue in town in front of 500+ people, or at the masjid with only two official witnesses, they are equally deserving of the rights and respect given to them through Islam.

Another point is that a couple may hold off on consummating their marriage even after their walima for several weeks, months, or even years, for personal reasons, and this does not make them any less married than any other couple.
Just as people don’t generally go around asking and making assumptions about this couple’s intimate life, and what it signifies in terms of their marital status, they also shouldn’t do that to a couple who is not yet living under the same roof.
Some people even claimed that, based on their unwelcome assumptions of my intimate life with my husband, I was not yet “fully married.”
A couple married under Islam doesn’t need permission to be with each other (from their relatives, community, or anyone else). Also, a couple’s private intimate life is nobody’s business but those two people alone.
Nobody has asked or said anything to me about my intimate relationship with my husband since I moved in with him, but for some reason several people thought that it was okay to talk about it when we were still long-distance. It was NOT okay.
Some people mention the “risk” of pregnancy (as if it’s a bad thing) as an excuse to justify imposing these bizarre restrictions on a long-distance married couple. First of all, this makes it seem like the people who are afraid of this happening do not agree with the concept of fate (that all things happen as Allah (SWT) wills them to).

They were worried about appearances — maybe a little showing off — a “look how pure and innocent they are” show right before life changes for the couple forever. All I can say to people like that is: Fear Allah. Seriously.

Second, my own husband was born when his parents were in a long-distance marriage across continents, and they turned out fine.
The real issue these people have with a woman becoming pregnant before she and her husband have had their huge reception is that someone was doing the hanky panky before the parents were able to make the marriage “official” before their friends and family.
They were worried about appearances — maybe a little showing off — a “look how pure and innocent they are” show right before life changes for the couple forever. All I can say to people like that is: Fear Allah. Seriously.

Impressing others

Yet another issue with this religiously meaningless party is that people often have it just to impress others, or live up to a certain standard that’s popular or expected in their family or community.
That may technically be fine, but it’s a big issue if they’re not actually able to afford it and are taking out loans just to impress people during a four-hour party, which the guests will forget about by the next month anyway (if not sooner).
It also continues the chain reaction by pressuring other people who can’t afford it into doing the same thing. People often do this for their walimas as well, which is also wrong.

It was hard enough not even always knowing when we would see each other next, because time, money, and conflicting schedules sometimes made it impossible. Add to all of that unnecessary strain put on our relationship by other people, and it sometimes pushed me over the edge, with no one to turn to but Allah (SWT).

But the worst situation of them all has to be when they delay the actual nikah in order to have this massive party without caring about the discomfort and risk they are putting the engaged couple in.
It was hard enough being in a long-distance marriage (which are statistically more likely to fail). It was hard enough repeatedly saying painful goodbyes at the airport, and feeling like no amount of time together was enough. It was hard enough being separated just the day after our wedding, and continuing that pattern for almost the next year, when that was supposed to be the blissful “honeymoon phase” of our marriage.
It was hard enough not even always knowing when we would see each other next, because time, money, and conflicting schedules sometimes made it impossible. Add to all of that unnecessary strain put on our relationship by other people, and it sometimes pushed me over the edge, with no one to turn to but Allah (SWT).
As long as this backwards tradition continues, I will continue to oppose it and speak out against it.
May Allah (SWT) grant amazing spouses to those who are looking to get married, and may He protect those who are married from experiencing this hardship at the hands of society, and from everything else that is harmful to their marriage.
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Written by Anonymous.